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AWFUL COMPETITION
TweetHere on Jottify, there any many competitions to produce work of quality.
This is not one of them.
Your task is write the worst possible opening sentence for a novel.
Such poor quality writing doesn't desrve a prize, so there isn't one. 
It's just a bit of fun.
My entry is below.
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SCIENCE FICTION OPENING:
The robot stood over Kranz with the photon laser in its hand, made motionless by the force of the laws of robots that all androids were programmed to obey, in particular the 3rd Law Of Robotics (3010), sub-section 15, paragraph 2, as detailed in Appendix 8 of The Thought-Logic Processes of Artificial Mechanical Lifeforms by G.Numan, which clearly states: “if artificial humanoid self-determining machine confronts a four-star Space Commander of the Landric opposing force whilst a ceasefire is in force, under the direction and monitoring of the USC (United Space Council), then said device will remove itself from combative mode in to self-preservation mode, taking all measures to prevent harm as well as not receive harm, until such a time as a) the conflict ceases, b) the USC ceasefire resolution ends, or c) the robotic life-form rusts.
*ahem* It was a dark and stormy night.
Sorry, no classic literature allowed.
It was almost a dark and stormy night?
Sarah’s heart leapt within her chest, like an over-excited kangaroo on a trampoline.
A winner?
I think this one is actually quite brilliant !!
Bob sat down.
Haha, this one made me giggle.
It was a tall, living organism with 10 roots sticking out of the ground, 5 big branches and lots of green papery stuff connected to the branches.
(After Daphne du Maurier) ‘Last night I dreamt I went to Matalan.’
bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
She smiled at Mr Beige. His mate, Mr Grey, was far sexier, but had a strange glint in his eye that scared her a little. Mr Beige looked a much safer bet….
ROMANCE:
Chardonny quickly removed his string vest , amazed at his perfectly formed beer belly, whilst he quickly removed his trousers displaying his huge M&S y-fonts – no mean feat in a Cortina.
“So, this is tomorrow” said Scarlet to Rhett…
Nothing has ever happened to me that has made my life in anyway interesting; I have no story worth telling.
A Creton called, naked Pascherina screamed unloudly, get onto me right away she gurgled sexily, no he said, I have to eunich off, and he did with a helping boot from her sobbing self.
I want to read on, so this can’t be bad enough!! lol!
Her body shimmered in the moonlight, cold, motionless and starting to smell a bit, Mmmm, she knew how to get to me. Necrophilia is not a disorder but a life choice, this is my story.
I made my entrance in some disorder, since my mother chose to calve behind the Ale-house between customers: this inauspicious beginning I offer in mitigation for the crimes laid at Jack’s door.
Bollocks! That’s how I always write… start again.
The strumpet screamed as she birthed the demon that Whitechapel would come to know and fear as Jack.
Still too good.
Agree-still too good !
NON-FICTION:
Welcome to the wonderful world of car-plate number collecting.
“I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror”
That’s a winner! Okay, so it’s not mine, but… I can’t beat it either.
http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2012/04/18/so-i-read-fifty-shades-of-grey/
Oh that line is nothing compared to the absolute corker a few pages in, ‘I feel the color in my cheeks rising. I must be the color of The Communist Manifesto.’
Brilliant.
NON-FICTION
I have always been interested in warehouses.
ROMANCE
Come here my darling fluffy bunnykins!
Here’s my entry:
For the sheer magnitude and bravado necessary to stop a speeding bullet, Anson accepted that he himself was just a mere mortal in the plastic land of undersized, suit-wearing giants.
The leaf shone bluely, cos of sodness, that’s sodness not sadness you visitor of Pascherina you, can’t you wakeup to the yowl of twoday instead of one, where’s your manners’ uhh.
RECIPE BOOK:
1) Place bread in toaster.
2) Set dial to 3.
3) Press down on handle.
4) Wait until it pops up.
5) Open margarine tub.
6) Take cooked bread (also known as toast) and place on plate.
7) Spread margarine on toast with knife.
8) Serve while still warm.
Perfect!
Do you have a winner here? I might like to let the winning statement cameo in my novel (as a book the character is reading) if it sits well with the person who wrote it in the first place. Credit would be given, obviously…