Category: Short stories
Genre: Horror
An Etiquette Lesson
TweetThe chaos of the modern world has made life unpredictable to an extreme. Someone we’ve always found we could rely on has decided to step forward and enact a plan to bring order back to the world. After all, well-begun is half done.
From Cradle To Coffin
Death wore a sensible coat and shoes as she made her way through the ice-rimed streets. The chill of the grave was nothing compared to the burning cold of London in the dead of winter, nor were the sidewalks as slippery; her realm had plenty of salt and ash to spare.
Snow piled up on her bonnet, its plain black ribbon matching the coat and shoes. Unlike passersby, it did not melt; the downside to having no heartbeat or blood to warm her body.
In spite of the snowfall, she walked with head held high, back ramrod straight. Bad posture was an unforgivable sin, the first on a slippery slope into all manner of debauchery and lawlessness. It was nothing less than weakness; the mutable fallibility of flesh. There was little she could stand less, dealing in absolutes as she did. Flesh was unreliable, sloughing away after a few decades. Practically any time at all really. Here today and gone tomorrow.
She stopped by an alleyway for a moment. Her schedule was tight, but she had time. She was never late, though her clients invariably were. A young girl huddled against the side of an abandoned storefront, shivering in rags.
The waif looked up at Death, her pinched blue face obscured by matted blond hair. Their eyes met, and in that moment, they understood one another.
“‘Allo, my poppet,” Death said. “Let’s get you some place warm.”
When Death beckoned, the little girl did not flinch. Some people clung to life, others departed the mortal coil willingly: those who had known nothing but pain and hardship in their tragically short lives. The homeless waif was no exception. She took the outstretched black-gloved hand without hesitation, wilting instantly, falling to the slush-ridden cobbles.
Death went about her business.
A passage from Hans Christian Anderson, only vaguely recalled, sprang to mind as she walked. Something about a little match-girl frozen in the snow—written back before disposable lighters put paid to the profession—taken to Paradise by angels.
Typical.
She was down here, walking the earth since life began, granting respite to those whose suffering would otherwise know no end, and a mob of winged pansies in pajamas took the credit.
It was an old hurt, easily put aside in favor of her favorite haunt.
The old city on the Thames was in fine form this evening; coal stains and soot hidden under a dusting of white like foundation over an aging diva’s imperfections. Firelight cast from every window; little islands of warmth and cheer amidst the closing gloom. Every cobblestone trod and building passed had its story to tell. She’d been there for all of them: Ratcliff Highway, Commercial Street, 10 Rillington Place, Fleet Street, the list went on and on. Great days those, great days.
Her thoughts returned to the present and soured. She gave peace, doling it out with loving care to prince and pauper, murderer and innocent alike. And what did she get for all the devotion to her charges? More work of course; pandemonium and chaos on a scale never before known. Sometimes she found herself wishing for the solid reliability of the Black Plague!
War, Famine, and Pestilence ran amuck, having the time of their lives (metaphorically speaking) and, as usual, she was left to clean up after their fun.
Predictability. That was the nub of it. Lives used to be predictable. There were rules of conduct, manners, laws, regulations; all designed to smooth the transition from womb to grave. It seemed the living had forgotten such core beliefs, going wild in an orgiastic frenzy of worldwide destruction.
They needed an etiquette lesson.
Death’s sensible black shoes took her to an affluent two-story brick house. A Christmas tree glittered in the window. The fairy topping it with its gauzy wings and pristine robe smacked of those damnable angels. But the tradition of the display said it was an ideal place to implement the new plan.
She lifted her parrot-headed umbrella and rapped its beak against the front door.
Promptly, a squat, heavy-set maid in a no-nonsense black dress opened the door. Death smiled, and before the maid could inquire, Death spoke.
“Good evening, ma’am. I understand the lady of the house is in need of a governess.”
Search
Most Liked Today
Featured Partner
Award-winning
First prize winners of the Santander Universities Entrepreneurship Awards
Featured on
30 comments
Christ this is good! I would gladly hack off vital parts of my anatomy to write something this effective. The grotesque gothic imagery is straight from one of Edgar Allen Poe’s nightmares, the language is succinct and the conclusion is chilling. A modest masterpiece, the very best of luck.
Jack
Thanks much. I tried to go for a Clive Barker feel to things back when he wrote The Books of Blood. He always angles a story from one specific perspective, and even if it’s the perspective of someone who we would logically think is evil, we can still kind of see the sense in their actions. Good and evil become muddled in a world that really doesn’t have anything in the way of a shining light by which to guide us.
The same with the narrative following more the character’s thoughts than the character’s surroundings.
Plus I never could trust Mary Poppins as a kid. She always had an ulterior motive, I thought.
Thanks for reading. Again, you’re too kind.
Yes I think she was probably up to no good. Part of some sinister plot that was quietly manifesting itself behind the scenes then, when exposed, becomes staggering in its breadth and subtle complexity. She probably left with half the silver, the deeds to the house and the power of attourney over the kids…and they had no idea! The hallmark of a criminal genius!
Thanks for the ink pot btw! Good luck.
Jack
Did you know that Mary Poppins (the original story) was written by a young Australian woman who abandoned the sun and surf and flitted off alone, to live in the grey drizzle of London? She took up work as a governess to pay the bills. There’s just no accounting for some people… or maybe there is. You’ve given me something creepy to think about.
No, I didn’t know that. But it does prove my suspicion that Mary Poppins was the product of a deranged mind. I’ve been told to use this as a prologue for a novel, and then jump forward to see what effect the children raised by Death would have on the modern world. They’d be capable, to say the least, but I just haven’t been able to think of a decent problem for them to overcome.
I suppose you know that Terry Pratchett already explored this idea in his Discworld series, where Death adopts a human daughter, Ysabell, who also subsequently has her own daughter, Susan. Naturally all sorts of… er… unnatural things happen.
Death’s apprentice, Mort, is rather fun too. Especially when he takes over the job for a while and Death takes a holiday working as a cook in a not particularly good quality sandwich shop.
I worship Terry Pratchett’s work. And yes, I’m familiar with Death’s escapades. Unfortunately, were I to try to sell this book, I would have to angle it from a serious perspective with as few supernatural or humorous elements as possible in order to differentiate it from Mr. Pratchett.
“a mob of winged pansies in pajamas took the credit” – I loved this line. I liked the atmosphere you created, as well, and the narrative voice, the humor and the briskness of the character – very Mary Poppins-ish! Excellent writing, too. I’m sorry I’m not giving you more helpful feedback, but this really reads perfectly fine to me.
And I actually liked Mary Poppins, though I can see your point and it makes me wonder what that says about me that I liked her…
Although she did freak me out in the film.
No worries about the feedback. Thanks for just taking the time to comment.
I actually managed to get this one published in Everyday Weirdness Magazine a couple years ago. The exclusivity portion of the contract has since expired, and since there aren’t really any magazines out there interested in reprints, I just plunked it up here to share.
Everyday Weirdness sounds like an appropriate home for it! I enjoyed reading it and I’m planning on reading the other work you have up, too, when it’s not 4am and I’m more awake…
I’ve also noticed that you also give fabulously in-depth feedback. I’m torn between asking if you’d have time to read something of mine and being terrified of what you’d think of it
And I hope you don’t mind that I’m mentioning it here but I’m checking out your website as I’m trying to get my first book published and it has never been professionally proofread / edited, but I’m currently unemployed so I’m on the “Contact us” page, and I had a question: the two sample documents should be random extracts from the manuscript?
I know my feedback can come off as daunting. That tends to be why I don’t comment unless the work has been submitted to the Masochist’s Anonymous group. I’m not out to hurt anyone’s feelings or tell people that I know better than they do. I’m still learning, just the same as everybody else, but I’ve been told I’m a bit more focused on analysis and improvement than most. By trying to help others with their work, it helps give me insight into my own work. And if someone should feel my suggestions are not a good idea, that’s just fine. If I had all the answers, I’d be on the bestseller list already. Ultimately, I don’t think there’s such thing as a bad story, just one that needs more work. True, some need a helluva lot more work than others, but the fact is that there’s hope for them all.
So, if you’d like me to take a look at some of your stories here, I’d be delighted. I wish I could say otherwise, but I can’t guarantee what I have to say won’t sting. Honesty hurts us all.
Moving on, I had actually hoped that by joining Jottify someone might feel inclined to use my business services, so this is very welcome. You needn’t send along two sample documents. That’s simply an option available if people want to commission multiple jobs simultaneously. The sample document can be the entire document you’d like looked over, it can be a random excerpt, or it can be a part of the story that you feel needs particular attention. Feel free to email with any questions at all. Having written a few manuscripts myself, I understand that it can be very overwhelming once the actual story’s written and now you’ve got to think about submitting it.
We can go into greater detail later if you wish it, but there are essential differences between editing, copyediting, and proofreading. Which service is best for you depends on how far along you feel the manuscript is. If you’re happy with the story as a whole and don’t wish to make any drastic changes or sweeping rewrites, editing is probably not the best choice. Copyediting involves fact-checking, making changes for greater flow, deleting extraneous material, fixing grammar, punctuation, spelling, homonyms, and other common errors in text. It also involves suggesting changes to individual scenes as opposed to the story as a whole. Proofreading is probably the least invasive, and cheapest, as it accepts that you’ve got the story exactly the way you want it and simply looks for grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc.
I do offer free critiques with every job, and am willing to look over your synopses and query letters. If you’re not to the point of coming up with synopses and query letters, I can provide you with examples that worked for me as well as point you toward some excellent books on the subject. And, since you are currently unemployed (we’ve all been there) I can offer a discount on the final cost of the work, but I’m afraid that means other jobs will take precedence over yours, so it will take longer. Let me know. I’m going to go pass out now, so you may not hear from me for about ten hours or so.
I apologize: I didn’t mean to imply that your feedback was daunting! I think it’s very constructive (I saw what you wrote on Darken Moles’ and Eliane’s works) and I submitted two of my works to the Masochists Anonymous group, one of which I know needs work but I can’t quite put my finger on what needs changing (It’s also fairly long so you might not have time to go through the entire thing, but even if you just get through part I’d really appreciate it). So I’m not afraid of you telling me something doesn’t work well or needs to be improved because that’s why I’ve put it up there; in fact I expect it. I can deal with sting because I’ve already been subjected to some fairly brutal useless criticism and I expect that yours will be useful and constructive.
Regarding which service is best for my finished manuscript, I honestly don’t know. I definitely don’t want to make drastic changes or sweeping rewrites and I feel that copyediting would suffice, but my friend tells me she thinks it needs a professional structural edit, because it’s a great story that doesn’t quite work, and she believes I DO need to do drastic changes and sweeping rewrites. Would I have to know which I need before I send the manuscript in for a “by the project” estimate or would you be able to tell me which you would recommend along with an estimate?
That would be great to get a free critique on my query letter along with the work. I’ve been avoiding writing a synopsis because I can’t seem to write one worth anything, even after reading pointers on how to do it, but I’ll have to write one soon.
I don’t mind other people’s work taking precedence over mine; as long as I can afford it I’ll be happy
You needn’t decide what sort of work the story needs right away. I charge the same for copyediting as I do editing since they both take about as much work. But, since when I edit there’s a fair amount of rewriting expected that you’ll have to do, it’s kind of redundant for me to go through fixing spelling, grammar, etc on something you’ll probably be changing anyway. Just to warn you.
As for the critiques of the works you’ve submitted to Masochist’s Anonymous, I’ll have them done ASAP.
Great! I’ll send it in for an editing / copyediting estimate. Just one more question (sorry I’m being so annoying): is there a specific format or font you require? I have Times New Roman, no paragraph indentations and everything single spaced. Is there anything I should change before sending it for an estimate?
Double-spacing and a 12 point font for Times New Roman or Courier is standard manuscript format. You should also have an inch margin all around. Also, it’s expected to include an indentation at the start of new paragraphs. That’s what an agent or publisher will expect when you put your manuscript across their desk, so I can reformat it for you if you like. It’s no trouble. A .doc or .rtf file is preferred as well, both for me an agents.
I changed the formatting to what you said, but my friend is telling me that I need to tab every paragraph individually for it to be correct because the indent function in Word doesn’t work / keep, and that I need to get rid of italics?
Italics are acceptable for a word or phrase in someone’s dialogue, indicating particular emphasis on that part of the sentence. It’s instrumental when trying for sarcasm. Flashback scenes, if kept short, can be presented in italics. This is primarily an aesthetic issue and can be changed later if you interest an agent or publisher. Also, words which are not part of the English lexicon, particularly when someone is dropping a word or two in a foreign language, are italicized.
And yes, Word’s indent function doesn’t work reliably. And since I had planned to read it through from start to finish, that’s why I offered to do that for you.
Okay I’ll let you do the indentations; thank you. Uf I’ve finally sent the submission for the estimate. Hopefully it’ll be okay. I’m not good at official documents.
Love the new profile pic btw!
Thanks. A friend suggested the old one might look pretentious. You know, what with Hunter S. Thompson swanning around this site, people might think I’m trying to act big for my britches. I was just fond of the guy’s self-confidence and originality. Lemmy is the same.
Btw I forgot to say thank you for saying you’ll check out my stories in the Masochists Anonymous group! Sometimes I can seem so ungrateful because I get distracted.
Also, if you’d like I can delete all my comments on this page that don’t concern the story itself so that they won’t clutter up your comments. Just let me know if I should and I will (but you’ll have to delete your own comments and replies yourself afterward)
Re. the profile pic it’s interesting how people perceive what one puts up on his or her profile.
Leave the comments up. It might actually be good for business. I’ve just got verification and will go ahead with reading your novel, but will try to get to some of your works up here on Jottify today as well.
That sounds wonderful
I really do appreciate it! And if you don’t get to them today that’s okay. I’m fairly patient. I also see you’ve put up a new story… so I’m off to read
Practically perfect in every way …?
Very enjoyable – it reminded me of Death’s voice in Zusak’s ‘The Book Thief’ actually. Very dark and sardonic, and yet not without compassion, and all conforming to an underlying universal order.
I thought that your twist to make it a Poppinesque plan for world domination was a stroke of genius though – and to undermine social stability by reinstating rules and etiquette ….it doesn’t get much drier than that!
Thank you
An excellent concept, deftly executed. My only meaningful point of criticism is that Mary would never drop an “h”, even to address a freezing waif.
Very true. Mary Poppins would never speak with anything less than appropriate diction and enunciation. But I got to thinking and came to the conclusion that Mary Poppins was just a character Death was playing. And, what with Death going everywhere, it seemed logical that she’d have to be a social chameleon. So I had her speak to the guttersnipe with phrasing the little girl would be used to.
I like your twists and different takes on this subject.
Excellent again!
Thank you very much. The Disneyized approach to creating order in the world was always just a bit too insidious for my tastes. People are chaotic and fail to think as a species, so of course we’re going to war, be at odds with one another, and vie for ever-decreasing resources.
Ideally, we could all decide upon the same action simultaneously. That’s the only way to bring about order while allowing free will to flourish. But because of our sense of free will and individuality, it will never happen, so all you end up with is totalitarian rule hidden under kid gloves.
Unless of course, the system we have now is enacted upon by an outside force. I’ve been pondering what sort of people the children raised by Death would be. Fearless and self-controlled, I imagine. Absolute perspective and objectivity at all times. The question is what their goals would be, in an actionable sense. They are still human, after all, given to human whims, but superstition and fantasy will probably be driven out of them by the complete and utter understanding of the world around them. For them, there are no mysteries or unanswered questions, only problems to be solved.
Anywho, glad you liked it!
Hmmm, you sure you are not a voice in my head?
Sounds like there is a lot of writing in the works… Looking forward to reading it.
There’s a lot of thinking in the works, at least. Nailing the details onto paper so they stick there, that’s another matter entirely.
I might do this one as a novel, but right now I’ve got about 20 other books ahead of it on the to-do pile, and I really should get to work on them one of these days.