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Silent Stutterer


Working my way through something from which I first had to heal; now I can begin to recover (but how?).

I remember a day
Unable to answer your questions
With your words circling around in my head.
My words
Stuck somewhere in the back of my throat
Choking, like
A stutterer
Unable even to stut.
Was that always me or
Did you corrupt me here, as
Everywhere else?
I no longer recall.
The haze of your control
Took those memories from my grasp.

Still, now, I realise
I am a silent stutterer
Unwilling to let myself even think
Of those unhappy sentences.
I know they will not come out.
To combat a demon, you need
An angel
Or so I’ve heard.
Catching the eye of someone on the bus
It hits me:
In these three years I have dropped
All pretence of being able to speak.
I wish instead
For them to speak
To me.

When he speaks
I cannot answer.
A reply does not cross my mind.

Broken now,
By your hands and words on my throat,
What do I need to do
To fix this?
Rushing against a brick wall
Will kill you before
The bricks fall down.
Better to chip at the mortar.
Without tools and
Unknowing where to find that mortar I
Wander endlessly in circles.
Your circles still.
Your crushing will.

I dream a distant day
When words flow freely as a spring
As love does from a heart unfettered, and
A child looks up to its mother who
Has beaten the worst thing to ever happen to her
And will make sure they do the same.


  1. Bellina
    BellinaSupporter said:

    I could really connect with the emotion you are sharing.
    For your sake I hope writing this helped, I know how hard it must be to share this, so thanks.

    3 years ago
    • rhiannondaverc
      rhiannondavercSupporter said:

      Thank you for reading and connecting. I find it very cathartic to write like this, and with every line hopefully I get a little better.

      3 years ago
      • Oldbirdee
        OldbirdeeSupporter said:

        It’s also really well written :)

        3 years ago
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